Whoa, slow down there, maestro. There’s a *New* Mexico? Marge, you being a cop makes you the man! Which makes me the woman — and I have no interest in that, besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing. How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive? You don’t win friends with salad. Yes! I am a citizen! Now which way to the welfare office? I’m kidding, I’m kidding. I work, I work. Dear Mr. President, There are too many states nowadays. Please, eliminate three. P.S. I am not a crackpot.

Kids, we need to talk for a moment about Krusty Brand Chew Goo Gum Like Substance. We all knew it contained spider eggs, but the hantavirus? That came out of left field. So if you’re experiencing numbness and/or comas, send five dollars to antidote, PO box… I didn’t get rich by signing checks. Old people don’t need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use. When will I learn? The answers to life’s problems aren’t at the bottom of a bottle, they’re on TV!